And we bounce Back

Stanford contacted me unexpectedly for new work. A few people would love to simply take classes with me either individually or with one other person because they love the concept. I have a new tutoring job that came the same day as the Stanford work.

And I began a picture book out of the blue. I had thought of it, kicked it around, but sat down and started doing my studies for the actual book!

I allowed myself to feel hurt and angry. I had a grand wallow. I was literally sick for a day and a half from the whole mess, which acted, perhaps as nature's purge of the gall and the bile of the whole mess. Then I breathed and went to my brand new studio and drew. I could have done this in my "home" space above the studio, but, no. I took myself down to my art studio and sketched giraffes and cheetahs. Reminding my hand of its abilities when I let myself breathe and relax into the work.

I will not let anyone rob me of the dream; but the dream is about helping others explore art and play with the process, not about how large the "class" is. That was something that the Town insisted I put a growth cap on. In a hurry, I put a number on it that scared my neighbors. I cannot help it if they felt they had to attack rather than talk or ask questions. I cannot worry about what scares others.

I'll do what the law allows for now and see about where to go beyond that later, when people calm down. I ventured into the back yard, but was approached there by someone in a car who had been at the meeting. Perhaps they meant to be kind, but I know I looked like a deer caught in the headlights. She rolled the window back up, waved tentatively and the couple drove on. It was too soon still for me to be collected. I thought I could work in my back yard without being approached, but no. I am vulnerable working in my own yard. People have been watching me and I do not understand it.

I don't have to for now. What I must do is not give in to fear or neuroses here, depriving myself of the one exercise I can perform, the one truly physical thing I can do. Or deprive myself of the pleasure of my flowers, the smell of the mulch, the pleasure I feel when I see one bed ready for planting, ready for easy weeding. I cannot let some scared people do that to my life.

I won't. Some want me to take a stand and go after this now. I don't want to do that. I want to go ahead with what I have for now and think before I act. Live my life as I have, so people see that I am not being vindictive or changing how I've been. I will figure out how to handle the next door neighbors eventually, but for now, I can simply garden and heal. Have individuals in my home as I choose.

Do my work and be grateful that those two doors swung open so quickly, reminding me that my life has several threads to it, all of which work well together. This episode cut to my core, but it did so for reasons that went beyond the actions of these people. I have to recognize that some of them have reacted so negatively to what they decided my intent was because of things in their own lives, beyond me, too.

I have to okay in myself long before I respond beyond what I did--I took down the hedge two weeks ahead of schedule. People may read that as they chose, but I did it in part to say, "Hey, I recognize the legitimacy of that concern." In part, I also did it to go, SO THERE.

I am far from perfect. Rats. I hate that. All is well. I'll be okay even though I'm not quite there.