Cover the Fear with Love

Before I went to bed, as usual, I was trying to figure out ways to save money and then I started scrawling all over the page, "Believe." Over and over and over again, I wrote that. Then I started writing "Act out of love" and I scrawled on top of the scrawl, faster and faster, then just "Love." Over and over. I turned the paper over.

I wrote "Write the names of every single person you remember loving." And I did. I wrote the name of my horrendously abusive brother even. The one who tortured my other brother and me. I wrote his name because I remember he carried me the mile and a half from the beach one day because they had just tarred the road and he didn't want me to burn my feet. I'd lost a flip-flop. When we got home my mom started to get understandably upset and he said, "Oh, Mom. We'll find it. She feels really bad."

My mom was so surprised she didn't yell. She kissed my brother instead. I loved him mightily that day.

I wrote the names of old best friends and boyfriends and teachers and adults who helped me and grandparents and people long gone from my life. I covered the 8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper to the point that you could no longer see the scribblings of numbers way beneath.

I literally covered my fear with love.

I went to sleep at 2 a.m., smiling.

Nothing has changed today and I am way too tired to boot. But in the light of today, it still feels wondrous to have loved so many people in 57 years. Next Thursday I will have lived 57 years. I have no money to show for it. I struggle, like so many. I don't know what is down the road, but don't we delude ourselves when we think we DO know what lies ahead?

Behind me? Love all over the place, far bigger than the pain, the abuse and the dysfunctions of my family, there is passion. Passion enough for twelve families.

So I cover the fear with love and know that all will be well. Don't know what that means. "Well" may be something I cannot see today. Who cares? I covered a whole sheet of paper three times over with the names of people who have made me know I was loved. I can cover a sheet once over with the names of people I love who are still active in my life--some of them are not with us, but they are active in my life. Behind me lies a world of love; why should I doubt that the same lies ahead?

I was right. Today IS a better day. And all that changed was me.