Brief update

I will have to be in a place I've not been in a couple of decades. The mindset of the athlete, which would sound ludicrous to some who know me, but not others.

The first MRI has revealed thoracic spinal injuries of disks. I already had injuries to the bottom three disks of my spine. Now this. Not one, but two disks. This accounts for the collapsing of the legs, but we have not yet accounted for the hand and leg tremors and spasms. One thing at a time. To keep walking I will be beginning PT again. The big stuff, to keep my legs moving. And a friend bought me a membership at my gym again, so that I can take whatever we come up with directly there, every day. Period.

When I had all the lumbar spine surgery, I followed up with six days a week of PT. No. Six SESSIONS, four days. But I never stopped some of the exercises, to this day. It's why I walk. But the current situation is too risky for surgery, too risky NOT to try PT.

I am afraid, but I've been here before. And I was married when I did this before... to a man who pretty much laughed at what I thought of as markers for progress, so sometimes alone IS better than that. I have friends. I will persevere. I don't know how often I will write, but write I will. I have to write, like breathing.

Miss my parents, though, for all their flaws and illnesses. It is a far lonelier time without siblings, without a clear reason to believe my life will have joy after all this struggle. The pain will not abate through this... the essential injury is not likely to disappear, just perhaps lessen from the work. And I am not going to suddenly feel "good" or be able to work more hours. It is all about functioning, being able to walk at all and to save the spine from being, well, choked off in essence. It was less scary when I thought I was not alone, even if it was an illusion, it offered comfort.

There isn't something in particular I am working toward this time, so that's different as well. R. Gave me hope for something beautiful and took that away--the illusion of partnership, which still feels cruel. Too cruel. Still wish he'd never come at all, because it is harder to have seen the possibility of so much and have it gone when I am facing so much, but I have no more time or emotion to give to that, either. He is in a box marked "Later." That's all I have time for where he is concerned. The damage is what I have to deal with and I will. I do not feel, for who I am, there is a choice.

This will be an exercise in blind faith. Faith that there WILL be something better in life, that in the process of working simply to walk, to stand, to be able to be independent, something new will reveal itself as a purpose. A reason to be here and be taking up space. NO, I am not suicidal. Not even close. Quite the contrary, I am determined to not allow this surprise development to ... what ... defeat me.

The doctor called me from his home, in the evening, so I knew it was not good. HE, however, is wonderful. And when he asked if I was up for it this time around, there was no hesitation in, "Yes. Of course. I don't lie down and die."

So I am eating whatever the HELL I want for the weekend. No one said I have to lose weight, but I figure I"m going to tackle it ALL. I will begin on Monday, when my friend--my other "big sister"--and I go to our gym and sign me up again. I'll just click into that mode I clicked into so very long ago. I will walk as many steps as I can, then walk five more. I will stand up straight. I will not bend, except to stretch, and I will find the point of discomfort then bend just enough further before the point of stabbing pain. I will stand beautiful and strong, and straight, and face whatever is going to come after this. For the next few months, my purpose is simple and focused. That will have to be enough.

How that will translate in here is anyone's guess. Perhaps I will find it freeing, living simply to walk.  Physical pain has lessons in it, and I thought I was done with those lessons. Evidently not, so I am determined to dive into them, and to move beyond the blockage. Move through Louise to maybe... what. To HELEN.

Find something new to live for, perhaps something I never dreamed. I need to hold onto that, I think. That there will be possibilities I have not yet dreamed, and just let that be.

But for now? I will get the medical tests and learn what I must, and I will relocate that heart of the warrior in me. And I WILL FIGHT. I will find Hippolyta inside of my soul here, the Amazon queen. And I will fight this until I win.

THEN, when I have slain my dragon, I'll look around and see what comes next.

Thanks for reading.